Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Some of y’all tomorrow …
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this