Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
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It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
“That’s what” – She
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure