if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
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Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma