Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
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I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
When you’ve simply given up.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?