My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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Which wines pair best with gloating?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Some people can never, ever admit they鈥檙e wrong. I鈥檓 not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
In my 20鈥檚: I want to find true love.
In my 40鈥檚: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there鈥檚 leftovers so she doesn鈥檛 have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I鈥檓 going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
馃幎 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 馃幎
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Twister but it鈥檚 just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.