So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
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my retirement plan is braless
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Just a phase…
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.