2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
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“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
be careful
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.