Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
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“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I think this should do it.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…