Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
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I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Worth remembering.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven