Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry