Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
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Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Basically.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd