Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
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(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
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Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.