Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
You Might Also Like
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something