Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
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mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Sign of the day..
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Me recordaron éste meme
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!