What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
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At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.