oh ffs josh did you not read the email
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It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
dictator is short for richard potato
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker