6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
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Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works