*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
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I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut