Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
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them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
There are usually two types of merchants.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.