The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
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DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Room with a view.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.