My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
You Might Also Like
I’m sure it’s fine.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser