Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
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You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread