Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
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Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
The sacred texts.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.