Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
You Might Also Like
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Wait for it
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Wait a minute
Not recommended for beginners.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.