Shower sex be like:
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“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
*pronounces woah like Noah*