[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
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I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
wishing you and yours all the best
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that