Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
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3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
A man of commitment.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.