The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
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My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means