5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
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Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.