“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
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Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
So that’s what we looked like?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!