We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
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I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
we all know this pain all too well
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
According to math, I’m broke
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver