AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
You Might Also Like
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
My first child will be named New Folder.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Lucky old June.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.