Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
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I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Goodnight 🐶
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.