grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
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The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.