[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”