My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
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True.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
they finally got him. they got macavity
Watson was Holmes schooled
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
In Canada they just call them geese
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch