My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
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*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.