What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
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I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both