Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
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My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
who wore it better?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?