I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
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“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.