Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
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banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
A friend sent me this.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
i prefer mine room temperature.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.