People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
You Might Also Like
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.