“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
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When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
my fav colour is also hitler
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
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There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.