Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
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*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
three things we don’t talk about
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this