[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
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I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.