Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*