Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
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My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Best table by far
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”