Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
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Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]