My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
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me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
LOOOOOOL
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head