My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*